The 4th Step

My Bubby (Bubbly Baby) Hannah was in her 10th month of being adorable when she turned away from playing on her drum to crawl towards the stairs leading up to the kitchen. Until that time she had been content to explore the area within a short crawl of where ever we set her down. Today she was on a mission, answering a calling to seek new heights, to boldly go where no baby had gone before.

To support her first expedition to this new plateau of discovery, I dutifully assumed the role of Sherpa guide and spotted her for safety. You could see the determination in her face as she approached what was to be her first ascent up seven steps to her world’s Everest summit, our kitchen.

The first step up from the base camp was the easiest. Her clear intention merged with focused determination and was supported by the good grip off the carpet. Her desire paid off. First step conquered

The second step needed a plan. What does she do now? Right hand or left to lead? With a bit of trail and error her plan paid off and she figured out a system that best supported her goals. Second step conquered.

The third step required her to bring all her skills to the task and took a bit longer. Palm flat on the step above seemed to give the best grip but her knee kept slipping back. Both hands up got the best results. She brought all her skill and talent to the task. Third step conquered.

Attempting the fourth step you could see and hear the frustration setting in as she slipped back from the first attempt. Repeated unsuccessful attempts to push up built up more frustration. Tired? Discouraged? For what seemed like 5 minutes she fussed and fretted. I got the urge to rescue her, to scoop her up and call it quits to try another day. But this was an opportunity and I believed in her and realized she had made it this far and had proven she everything needed to succeed, the desire, the strategy and the talent. At this moment, in the face of setbacks, she lacked the courage.

I went from Sherpa guide to supporting Dad and grabbed one of her favourite toys within reach and enticed her with the “you can do it” dance at the 7th and top step. I added some good old fashioned side lines “Ra Ra Sis Boom Ba” coaching and she shook off her tizzy and plopped her open palm down with all her might on that elusive fourth level. With a dynamic move worthy of photo finish she hoisted her little 25 lbs up to that step and never looked back. The subsequent steps were easily mastered with her new confidence being bolstered at every level of success. Fourth step conquered and ain’t nothing holding back this Sista!.

You Go Grrl !

I cheered and clapped as she got to the top and she mimiced my clapping for her own piece of the celebration of the best of the human spirit. I was so proud of her achievement and realized this was only one of many that I can look forward to as a parent in the years ahead.

What about you? Do you find yourself with the first 3 steps of a desire, a plan and the talent but get frustrated when the going gets tough? When was the last time you had to dig deep to conquer fear or self doubt and in the face setbacks? How deep do you need to go to find attitude of courage needed to conquer the 4th step? All the best as you master your everyday Everest challenges and may those who love you stand proud beside you.

Red Nose Angel

Maybe some things are meant to be. I arrived at the Victoria airport really early for my flight to Calgary. When I checked in, I was offered the last seat on the next flight departing in 30 minutes. It was a regional jet, the kind with two narrow seats on either side of the aisle. My 6’3’’ self hunched over as I entered the plane and snuggled into the row one window seat facing the bulkhead beside a little old lady who commented on my obvious cramped leg room. The lone flight attendant on the flight tossed her coat across the two remaining seats across from us as if staking a gold claim.

It was the little lady who suggested that I ask about switching to the empty aisle seat across from us. I waited until the flight attendant started pushing her cart down the aisle and inquired as to whether she minded if I switch my seat to allow for the better legroom.

There was a cold silence and then she responded curtly, “I was going to sit there.” After another icy pause she said, “Oh, go ahead.” It was clear that either today was not her day or she slept through her customer service 101 training.

I moved her airline issued jacket over to the window seat and sat down to enjoy sticking my feet up the aisle. When her cart service concluded she plunked down beside me to do her books. She made a terse comment about having little time to get her paperwork done on short flights. After a time she hunched over and twisted her gaze out the window while slowly rubbing her forehead and back of neck.

“Do you want something to take away your headache?” I offered thinking of a special cure I had in my bag.
”No,” she replied, “It will go away on it’s own.” She shared that this was her 5th flight today and got up to tidy the galley.

Even though she was unresponsive to my offer to help I kept having a nagging intuition to do the right thing. I knew that in my bag and I had a distress headache cure. I just finished sharing 200 of them with hard working managers in high demand responsibility roles at a conference in Victoria. The preventative cure for her stress, as it was for the managers at the conference, was the healing power of humor.

When she sat with me the next time I held out a red foam clown nose and said, “This will help with your headache.”

“Are you kidding?”

“Yes I am kidding and I am joking, that’s the point,” I asserted, “laughter creates endorphins and flushes the stress hormone cortisol. Cortisol makes your headache.”

“I can’t wear this. I have to look responsible.”

“Sure you can,” I insisted and held up my book to block any potential embarrassing passenger glances and she hunched over and put in the nose.

“Whoa, my head feels better already”, she observed after less than a minute. She chucked when I suggested she should do the next cart run with the nose on.

She introduced herself and we had a light hearted chat. She apologized for being out of sorts and she shared that the nose meant a lot to her because she had beaten nose cancer twice. Then she paused and said, “When you get off the plane are you going to disappear?” I must have look puzzled. She continued, “Like are you an angel that comes to earth to help troubled souls then when the job is done you go back up to rejuvenate until the next time.” She looked me in the eye and said, “Thank you. You were meant to be on my flight.”

I explained to her that actually I wasn’t meant to be on her flight and shared about the last minute change. But maybe things are meant to be especially if we listen to that still small voice of intuition that calls us to do the right thing.

When the plane landed we said thanks to each other. As I left I gave her my success quote card and she handed me her pen. At first I thought she felt obliged to reciprocate my gift gesture and that was all she had. It wasn’t until after read the inscription that it was clear that some things are just meant to be.

On her pen was a line from Psalm 91, “For he will command his angels concerning you.”

My Future BFF

This is a story that has yet to be written. It’s about two little girls I love. They will end up being each other’s BFF (Best Friend Forever) The oldest girl just turned a year in July. The youngest is 10 months today.

Hannah and Milli BFF

The older girl is named Millicent. (Pictured on the right) It’s kind of an old fashioned name for such an independent modern gal. That’s probably why we call her Milli. She has curly white hair, not fur, and she gets a monthly haircut. She is as adorable as she is full of beans. As she cuddles so she chews most things she can get a hold of. She is house broken, mostly…!? Milli is a “companion animal” for my daughter Hannah.

Hannah’s name means, “The Gift of a Child from God.” She is our blessing because we never thought we would have the opportunity to adopt. That’s why we took home a puppy to love.

Their bond started when Hannah was just 3 months as she would laugh at Milli’s puppy goof-ball antics. Nowadays at age 10 month Hannah tugs fur on a remarkably patient subject and grabs away the occasional chew toy. Their story has only just begun. Milli will be there to confide in, to offer a non judging ear through troubles and to be by Hannah’s side celebrating joy and family memories. They will probably curl up together for the night when crib walls come down. As these two gals grow up together they will form a special bond, they will be best friends forever.

On October 4 we celebrate the life of St. Francis of Assisi, the patron Saint of animals. Here is a video that celebrates the joy, wonder and unconditional love of companion animals. This is your cue to hug yours now and give thanks how far you’ve gone on your journey together.

What is Your Emergency?

What is your Emergency? If you have ever heard that question then there’s a good chance that you or someone you care about needs help. The expectation of the nameless operator at the other end of the phone is that they will set the wheels in motion, quite literally, to get you the best team of professionals as fast as safely possible to be on your side.

The reassuring voice you hear is a 911 operator – a highly trained professional who deals with tragedy and trauma daily, in fact 24/7. Their role is to stay calm, cool and collected and handle your safety or life threatening situation in professional manner. Imagine the stories of human tragedy they encounter. Imagine the stress. Most people haven’t the faintest idea what kind of dedication is at the heart of a 911 operator’s career choice. Here is only one example from only one evening at work.

In my former role as violence prevention trainer with the Nova Scotia Government I used an actual recording of a 911 call in training sessions to demonstrate the impact on children who witness violence. The tape came from my colleagues in Boston where such calls are admissible as court evidence. Nova Scotia rolled out a similar progressive family violence prosecution policy in 1996 and I was on the team that trained the justice system professionals.

The 5 minute excerpt of this call to emergency services was placed by a 6 year old girl named Lisa. While Lisa is talking to the 911 operator, we can hear a man and woman screaming in the background as an assault is taking place. Lisa yells down the hall, “Don’t hurt the baby.” The 911 operator remains singularly focused and calms Lisa down while doing what she was trained to do. Lisa courageously responds to very adult, and potentially life saving questions that make the response team’s job safer and easier. Questions like: Are there any weapons in the house? How many people are there and what do they look like? What part of the house are they in? The operator encourages Lisa to stay on the line while reassuring her over and over that help is on the way. Listening to this recording has made even the burliest police officer in my training session tear up. The police arrived and the assailant was arrested safely and charged. Just another a day in the life of an unsung hero at work.

I am inspired this week to sing 911 operators praises because I am irate that a man in beautiful Cape Breton takes them very much and dangerously, for granted. This man has been investigated for calling 911, now get this, 875 times in the last 2 months. He’s been arrested, his landline disconnected, and charged under the Emergency 911 Act for, “placing false, frivolous and vexatious calls.” It’s against the law for a very good reason! What a waste of precious time that might be needed elsewhere (every call must be responded to, yes all 875 in the last 60 days) and what a waste of taxpayers money. My anger is only tempered by the suspicion that this man must be dealing with significant mental health challenges.

Unsung heroes by definition receive little recognition or gratitude because they do the good work behind the scenes. It’s one thing to take them for granted and quite another to abuse their time.

Your 911 operator is your neighbor, your bus mate, a soccer mom, a hockey Dad, the person who sings behind you in church and your fellow shopper looking for the sales. Yet when these special people put on the headset and plug into the phone system they get down to business with efficiency and a cool collected professionalism that is to be admired and respected. They are the front line unsung heroes of an emergency service that never sleeps and they deserve our thanks.

The irony is we could thank them in person right now by dialing just 3 numbers but that is illegal, and rightly so. So please, both you and your kids, think of all the 911 Operators with a grateful heart the next time you pick up your phone or hear a siren in your neighborhood. It’s a small but important way that we can sing the praises of all the unsung heroes out there dedicated to our safety.

© MMIX Peter Davison Innerwealth Seminars. All Rights Reserved.
Experience the Unsung Heroes Keynote Speech

Advice on Advice

A young subscriber submitted the following at the Ask Peter page’ http://peterdavison.ca/ask_peter.html out of concern for a friend still living at home. Perhaps you’ve had a boss like this?

MM wrote:

One of my friends is having difficulties with her parents. They don’t take her seriously and she’s kind of forced to live in the shadow of her siblings (who have grown up and moved out) — as in, she isn’t allowed to do anything that they didn’t do. This is exacted to the point of ridiculousity – her sister wasn’t allowed to dye her hair till grade 11, same for her.

Do you have any advice I can give her on how to handle this? Like how to get them to take her seriously, and to realize that parenting is not one-size-fits-all? What can I do to help? The big thing I guess is she and her mom need to learn to get along, but her mom isn’t really inclined to bother trying to be nice. I’ve given her some advice already (including thinking about what needs of her mom aren’t being met)… but I figured you’d have some more wisdom to add.

My Advice on Advice

Giving advice is tricky as most people unconscious project what they need to do in their own life into the situations of others and that may or may not be useful. And with some professionals relationships can be downright harmful i.e. A counselor/psychologist with unpacked personal baggage. You have to be very aware of your own dirty laundry and make sure you don’t ask some one else, vicariously, to do your laundry. Most people want to change in others what they have not come to love in themselves.

Better role for a friend is listening unconditionally and non-judgmentally, to help her feel less alone and open an honest exploration through open-ended questioning (What would it look like if…? ) to help her tap her own imagination and empower her own creativity and ownership of choices and consequences.

Having said that there are universal laws that can apply in any situation

Three Traps to Avoid:

Collusions: Initially it may feel good to have someone on your side but it’s a short distance before the “us vs them” wall gets built and you need even more food (evidence of wrongdoing) to justify why the guests need to keep attending the pity party. This is a most disempowering party on earth where the light of hope and win / win solutions are very hard to discover. Do you really want to be that kind of friend? Remember you’re at the party as well.

Totalizing: The fastest way to put a person in a tidy box with language like, “They always…” or, “They never…” or “everytime…” or labels like they are an abuser or a liar. The truth is everyone makes choices and are never all this or all that. Everyone is both nasty and kind, we are all happy and sad, etc., somewhere in our life. Labeling people may justify their actions but it really only puts both people in a box. I worked with a client whose father was “an alcoholic.” After questioning it turned out that he actually got roaring drunk on Saturday nights playing pool at the legion and missed church the next day which was very important to the client. The father kept a job and food on the table but the alcoholic label trumped the provider label and the client grew up hating their dad until they made peace on his deathbed after believing the whole person called Father had done his best.

Blaming: Seeing the world upside down is the most disempowering viewpoint of all. If life experiences can be seen as 10% what happens and 90% how we think and act about it imagine how much more empowering that would be than the other way around. (90% has been done to us and only 10% is within our control)

Three Things That Can Help:

1. Gratitude: If you live in a box give thanks for the walls and benefits of containment rules, order etc. Instead of pushing back against the walls with resentment survey the greater good with gladness and when you step back you might see a window of opportunity. Like the fly banging against the screen only to miss the open window above. I’ll never forget the guy who manifested severe allergies to everything with reactions so bad he was isolated in his apartment. It wasn’t until he was desperate and nothing else worked and couldn’t leave the bedroom that he started his long journey back by thanking every object in his room. He continued to thank and confront his worthiness to be seen and eventually, rather than wearing a mask, he walks freely down a busy street. What you cannot be grateful for will run you.

2. Nothing’s Missing: You can’t destroy a drop of water you can only change its form from liquid to solid to vapor and back, that is nature’s law. Our attachment to form is a great source of suffering. Appreciate the form in which you’ve got it. Re: not taken seriously. Who or when in her life is she taken seriously? Rather bemoaning the illusion that energy is absent, in this case with a parent, find out where it does exist in life. I once coached lady whose mother “never supported her.” (note the totalizing) We did some quick work and rediscovered all the places and experiences where she felt 100% supported by others in all 7 areas of her life to lift the burden of expectation off her mom. She came back a week later and exclaimed that her mother had changed! Do I need to say the obvious.

3. Love Unconditionally: Expectations can be another name for conditional love and the quickest sabotage of intimacy between two people. It goes like this, “I will love you when you are nice.” Or “I will feel loved when you take me seriously.” Most people with a nose on their face can sniff out that kind controlling prospect and sensibly back away. Others attempt to please and jump through the ever changing hoops eventually turning resentment inwards and/or outwards and ironically feeding a cycle of faster hoop hopping. Unconditional love accepts that relationships are full of both challenge and support and loves the person with compassion for doing their best. Like it or not other people should not change to relieve your discomfort with challenge. In fact, it would actually be a very boring relationship if they did.

But hey, that’s just my advice.

Poetry Pause

Here are two poetry pauses. Some say that a poem a day is to the imagination as an apple a day or red wine (just a glass..) is to your health. So Cheers, Sante, Prost, Slainte to your health and I hope you enjoy.

A. The spoken word poem Click here to listen to a spoken word poem complete with baby giggle soundtrack…

B. and the only rhyming poem I have ever written as world premièred below.

One Rhyming Poem

Poet to the Angel said,
“Speak to me of love.”
The angel bowed her head
as she lifted high a dove

And teared as if to speak
some things to be true.
The words of love you seek
are best when you are blue.

For the hard heart to awaken
tis nothing better said
then after love’s forsaken
and your sad heart has bled.

Angel to the Poet said,
“Write to me of love.”
The Poet smiled instead
as he raised to gaze above.

And joyful began to write
some things to be true.
A rhythm of deep insight
to caress an inspired view.

For the soft heart to awaken
tis nothing better read
then words that are taken
from deep heart, not high head.

Then profoundly the Poet and angel at one agreed
After musing long on the common bond decreed
You miss100% of the hearts that never hear or read
so venture on both word and voice, fulfill our greatest need.

August 11, 2009

Give –?– A Chance

I had the pleasure of taking my cool 17 year old nephew Malcolm to experience a live outdoor concert of a life time to hear Beatle Sir Paul McCartney play the memorable hits of a few generations. We were keen to get up close and personal and arrived at the gates two hours before they were supposed open at 3 PM. By 3:45 the crowd waiting for action from the unresponsive staff behind the closed gate was getting restless. We got an idea that could pressure organizers. A simple tune. Something peaceful, direct, poignant and very relevant in the Beatles culture we were about to be submerged in. We started singing boisterously, and I might add, with decent harmonies, our own version one of the 60’s classics, “All we are saying is open the gates!” The crowd picked up the chant as a call to arms and started to sing along.

Whether it be by coincidence or in response the impending rise of the masses, the gates miraculously opened. Check out the video below and you be the judge of our role in history and enjoy as we then take you live to a clip of the original version sung along by 50,000 fans. My guess is that they might not have sounded as tight if we hadn’t of warmed them up already!

So here’s the thing, to really Give – ? – A Chance first (1.) you have to identify, honestly, that thing or person you couldn’t imagine including on your “chance list.” Then (2.) you need to muster the courage to take a big step outside the comfort zone and beyond the habit and patterns. Step 1 is a head shift, step two is a heart shift. Both are challenging because we are often captive of habitual, captains of the comfort zone, presidents ruling our patterns and dictators to our duende.

Don’t jump off the deep end. Try a warm up first before giving the big things a chance. Eat a different cereal, buy something you’d never be caught buying, spend the day using your non-dominant hand first, get a crazy haircut, take a different way home from work, meet the neighbor 5 doors over (I am willing to bet you don’t know them) sing on the bus, try a new ice cream flavour, etc… Then after you find that your world expands rather than falls apart as F.E.A.R. (False Evidence Appearing Real) would have us believe, go for a big fish, give it/them a chance! (and let me know how it goes)

In the meantime, enjoy this short video and have fun as you step out of the box, push the zone, go the edge, take the slide, spin the bottle, <insert your euphemism here>